Tuesday, June 30, 2009

On Communication

One thing Luke and I had to learn early on in our marriage was how to communicate - aka fight.

I am an avoider. I don't like confrontation.

Luke is a let's-face-it-head-on kind of person.

You can imagine the kind of fights we had when we first got married.

Luke: !@!@!@

Lacy: ::silence::

Luke: Didn't you hear me? I said !@!@!@

Lacy: ::crickets chirping::

Luke: Why aren't you talking to me?

Lacy: I don't like fighting!!

And then eventually (I remember it did take a long time), we'd get to the heart of the matter and discuss what we really needed to discuss.

We've gotten a lot better at communicating in the almost-seven-years that we've been married, but there are still times that things get blown up into a "fight".

One thing I've learned is that it is very important for Luke to know that I'm listening to him. So I try not to interrupt, and to use good eye contact (even when I feel like avoiding!).

My hot button is being talked down to/being patronized. Sometimes it is hard to realize you're doing this to someone, so Luke tries to be aware and not do this when we're communicating. At least most of the time.

We've learned these things about each other just through the experience of being together and going through our times of "communication". And we've learned how to use them to bring a positive spin on a situation, even when what we're talking about is hard.

Our best times at communicating usually also happen after the blow up. It is so hard to communicate effectively when you're in the midst of an angry, passionate moment. So I have a method of trying to diffuse the situation and then come back and talk about it when we can be more civil to each other.

What are things that you've found help the communication with your spouse?

1 comment:

  1. Jack and I are pretty much the opposite. He's the avoider in conflict situations. I also dislike conflict, but I hate even worse the status quo of not getting important feelings aired. So I'm usually the one raising a commotion if things aren't going well.

    But you're so right--it's impossible to truly communicate in the heat of an argument. Once I make sure Jack is completely AWARE that we have a problem--LOL!!--then I eventually calm down enough that we can have a sane discussion.